|Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
|Updated 10 March|
Ever wonder what management really mean when they start throwing around buzzwords like 'leverage core strategies' and 'drill down holistic skillset'? Read on...
"Staffing levels have fallen below optimum"
We need to get some bums on seats quick, because another department has been seen measuring our floorspace.
"I can assure you that outsourcing the department's workload is not being considered"
It took the outsourcing proposal committee months to figure out what we actually do here, and it produced a list which would make any outsourcing company laugh at us.
"Customer service will remain our highest priority"
The maintenance budget has been cut again.
"Management has re-affirmed its commitment to leadership"
...at a catered leadership workshop weekend on the company yacht, which was moored off a vineyard in the coastal islands.
"A leading industry consultant has been contracted to assess our departmental strategy"
I intend to finance my own cosy semi-retirement by taking on the occasional lucrative consultancy contract, so I'm storing up favours by throwing work to some of my consultant friends.
"Our friendly and supportive culture is our greatest asset"
No bonuses this year.
"Re-affirm our commitment to the future of this department"
I'm sweeping last year's disaster under the carpet, and no-one who wants a positive performance appraisal is ever to mention it.
"Strive to demonstrate the importance of our department's role in the company"
I didn't get invited to sit in our corporate box at the big match.
"Re-evaluate our relationship with vendors"
Our preferred vendor's new CEO doesn't understand the importance of sending me a fruit basket and a Christmas ham every year.
"Forge new relationships with a wider net of solution providers"
The head of Information Services has retired, so why are we still buying his brother-in-law's second hand printers? They smell like semen and fall apart if you peel the masking tape off.
"We'll be making some long-anticipated changes in our working environment"
Like maybe getting the sprinkler system working.
But just in case we don't, I'm moving my office closer to the fire stairs.
"Increase management visibility"
I'm replacing the secretarial pool's photocopier with one of those new super-low models, and placing it under my office' interior window.