Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Questions to which the answer will always be 'no'

"My email to a client who is also a customer of yours keeps bouncing, so I'm going to bill you instead."

"I don't like the terms of your service contract, please note that I do not agree to them. Now, please register me on your unlimited account package."

"I don't believe I used as much time online as you say I did. Please reverse your charges."

"I refuse to pay any further charges for my account until such a time as you can guarantee I will receive no further spam."

"I am a huge customer of yours with upwards of a dozen accounts and I am losing thousands of dollars every day that I can't receive my email. I cannot believe the poor service I am receiving from you. Re-open my accounts immediately and credit all costs involved for the last three months in compensation for this unbelievable inconvenience, otherwise I will see you in court."

(Co-incidentally, three months of unpaid charges is why his accounts were closed in the first place...)

"If someone else already has the address I want, you should take it away from him. You owe it to a long-term customer to make some concession."

"I'm not going to tell you what my home email address is. You'll just have to take all the addresses off your mailing list."

"I couldn't understand your setup instructions, so I got a computer technician to help me. Please provide a postal address where he can forward his bill to you."

"I demand that you fix my email immediately. I have enclosed an address where you can hire a helicopter to fly a technician out to my home."

"Thank you for crediting my charges. Please re-open my account and let me know how soon I can claim another refund under your satisfaction guarantee."

"Please tell me how I can send a virus to someone who is telling lies about me on IRC."

"My email is not spam, it is the word of our Lord. I will continue sending it as long as He directs me to."

"I don't care what it says in the contract, I will run a server if I want to. Restore me to full service immediately, or I'll go to the media."

"I was not able to download my email today. Please credit me two years charges to compensate."

"I should be allowed to use an aimbot because I'm not as good as the other players. Please unban me from your CS server."

"I would like to start advertising my products via email, please send me a list of your subscribers' email addresses."

"[X] ISP offers better rates than you do. Therefore I am adjusting my monthly payments to match their advertised rates."

"I use the internet eighteen hours a day! With the number of banner adverts I look at on chat sites, you should be able to give me a free account."

"I don't want to pay for this account. You have my flatmate's new address, keep sending the bills to her."

"I'm fed up with waiting. If you do not reply to this email within one hour you agree to pay me two hundred dollars in compensation."

"Since you can't block all the spam I get, I'm going to start charging you a reading fee of fifty dollars per spam. Your bill for today is one hundred and fifty dollars, please send me a cheque immediately."

"I rely on email to advertise my business and it is not sent to a list of addresses, it is sent to only one address: the newsgroup. Therefore my understanding is that it does not meet the definition of spam and I will continue sending it."

"My account has been closed for non-payment? Well okay, just help me register a new one."

"I can't call the helpdesk because I'm deaf. Here is the name, phone number and consultancy rate of a technician in my area you can hire to come and help me."

"Hey, I'm doing you a favour by port-scanning your customers to see which ones are vulnerable to hackers, you should be paying me for it... but if you want to pay me not to, that's fine too."

"I'm not waiting until morning to complain. Give me your company president's home phone number."

"I don't know anything about this stuff, you'll have to wait with me until my son gets home. He's due in about half an hour."

"I couldn't read your service contract because it was too long and I didn't know you were going to charge me this much. Please refund the money back to me, I don't want to pay more than ten dollars for the month."

"That's much too long. You'll have to call the other ISPs on the Internet and tell them to update their DNS records immediately."

"I'm not paying for a technician to look at it. If you're worried about me infecting people, give me some free virus software."

"I have heard that you are only scanning email for viruses. I would like you to scan my hard drive too. My address is enclosed, please let me know when you can send a technician out."

back to main