Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot" |
Problem:
Difficulty registering account, details being rejected with 'invalid data inserted' message. Cause: Caller did not appear to notice that 50% of available space on the screen was taken up by instructions on what data is valid and how to insert it. Solution: Free registration and first month's usage in exchange for participation in ISP voluntary sterilisation programme. |
Problem:
Repeated calls on sequential days of the week asking for password to be reset. Cause: Caller keeps forgetting password and declines to write it down for security reasons. Solution: Hold caller down, tattoo new password backwards on forehead and provide with a free mirror. |
Problem:
No dialtone error. Cause: Caller over-estimated own technical ability and reset connection to dial own number. Solution: Enthusiastic bitch-slapping and suspension of internet privileges for a month. |
Problem:
Overcharged through being on the wrong pricing plan. Cause: Caller claims to have signed up on new cheaper plan three weeks before plan was introduced. Does not appreciate having the inconsistency in this story pointed out. Solution: Forcefully administer icepick to brain via ear and re-submit bill to executor of caller's estate. |
Problem:
Caller unco-operative. Declines to follow advice offered by operator. Cause: Caller believes helpdesk staff are able to solve customer problems remotely, but decline to do so out of disinterest. Solution: Reveal to customer that our psychic powers only allow us to explode heads at a distance. |
Problem:
Caller on a limited income asking for charges he cannot afford to pay to be dropped and service continued regardless. Cause: Apparently doesn't have the foresight to stop using an account when he runs out of money. Solution: Offer to reactivate account if he barks like a dog. Let's see if he needs it as badly as he says he does. |
Problem:
Caller disputing charges invoiced. Cause: Changed own pricing plan a month before, using online billing system available through [RIP] homepage. Didn't read service agreement or detailed charge amount information available on screen before clicking accept button. Solution: Courier caller to debt collection department, along with some fava beans and a nice chianti. |
Problem:
Caller having difficulty installing new software. Cause: Virus-scanner interfering with installation process. Customer will not accept that that we do not support either the new software or the virus-scanner. Solution: Assist customer to remove virus-scanner. Assist customer to uninstall any hardware or software that could potentially be affected by a virus. Give him a free abacus to pick up the slack. |
Problem:
Customer unable to complete connection process. Cause: Customer appears to be intoxicated or under the influence of an illicit drug. Solution: Forget the connection problem, threaten to tell his girlfriend how many porn sites he's been visiting unless he introduces us to his dealer. |
(This submission
from a comrade-in-arms at the Microsoft helpdesk) Problem: Customer having difficulty while installing Word. Cause: Anti-virus software preventing update of registry keys. Customer very unhappy that Microsoft cannot control interaction of OS and third- party software. Solution: Email customer's credit card details to judges reviewing Microsoft Anti-trust case. Inform them that the customer is offering each of them a week in the Bahamas if they resolve the case in Microsoft's favour. (I wrote this two years ago and they're STILL arguing that case in court. I guess no-one's getting rich except the lawyers...) |
Problem:
Customer registering a complaint that helpdesk service is below standard. Cause: Customer unhappy that operators do not make outgoing calls after helpdesk hours to give technical support. Solution: Visit every bar within a 5-block radius and write her name and phone number on the men's room wall. Chances are at least one caller will have some technical knowledge. |
Problem:
Customer complaining that the company has a 'mercenary attitude' and is 'devoid of spirit'. Cause: Credit department has requested that the customer pay his bill in spite of the recent loss of a family pet. Solution: Prove the customer wrong by hiring a van to collect his lawn furniture and donate it to the Salvation Army. |
Problem:
Customer unable to successfully boot up into Windows 3.1. Cause: Customer made no attempt to check for Y2K compliance before year 2000 rollover. Bad system date is preventing a third-party file management utility from loading. Customer has no installation disks for OS or applications. Solution: Pray for a miracle, because only God can help him now. |
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