Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Problem:

Difficulty registering account, details being rejected with 'invalid data inserted' message.

Cause:

Caller did not appear to notice that 50% of available space on the screen was taken up by instructions on what data is valid and how to insert it.

Solution:

Free registration and first month's usage in exchange for participation in ISP voluntary sterilisation programme.

Problem:

Repeated calls on sequential days of the week asking for password to be reset.

Cause:

Caller keeps forgetting password and declines to write it down for security reasons.

Solution:

Hold caller down, tattoo new password backwards on forehead and provide with a free mirror.

Problem:

No dialtone error.

Cause:

Caller over-estimated own technical ability and reset connection to dial own number.

Solution:

Enthusiastic bitch-slapping and suspension of internet privileges for a month.

Problem:

Overcharged through being on the wrong pricing plan.

Cause:

Caller claims to have signed up on new cheaper plan three weeks before plan was introduced. Does not appreciate having the inconsistency in this story pointed out.

Solution:

Forcefully administer icepick to brain via ear and re-submit bill to executor of caller's estate.

Problem:

Caller unco-operative. Declines to follow advice offered by operator.

Cause:

Caller believes helpdesk staff are able to solve customer problems remotely, but decline to do so out of disinterest.

Solution:

Reveal to customer that our psychic powers only allow us to explode heads at a distance.

Problem:

Caller on a limited income asking for charges he cannot afford to pay to be dropped and service continued regardless.

Cause:

Apparently doesn't have the foresight to stop using an account when he runs out of money.

Solution:

Offer to reactivate account if he barks like a dog. Let's see if he needs it as badly as he says he does.

Problem:

Caller disputing charges invoiced.

Cause:

Changed own pricing plan a month before, using online billing system available through [RIP] homepage. Didn't read service agreement or detailed charge amount information available on screen before clicking accept button.

Solution:

Courier caller to debt collection department, along with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Problem:

Caller having difficulty installing new software.

Cause:

Virus-scanner interfering with installation process. Customer will not accept that that we do not support either the new software or the virus-scanner.

Solution:

Assist customer to remove virus-scanner. Assist customer to uninstall any hardware or software that could potentially be affected by a virus. Give him a free abacus to pick up the slack.

Problem:

Customer unable to complete connection process.

Cause:

Customer appears to be intoxicated or under the influence of an illicit drug.

Solution:

Forget the connection problem, threaten to tell his girlfriend how many porn sites he's been visiting unless he introduces us to his dealer.

(This submission from a comrade-in-arms at the Microsoft helpdesk)

Problem:

Customer having difficulty while installing Word.

Cause:

Anti-virus software preventing update of registry keys. Customer very unhappy that Microsoft cannot control interaction of OS and third- party software.

Solution:

Email customer's credit card details to judges reviewing Microsoft Anti-trust case. Inform them that the customer is offering each of them a week in the Bahamas if they resolve the case in Microsoft's favour.

(I wrote this two years ago and they're STILL arguing that case in court. I guess no-one's getting rich except the lawyers...)

Problem:

Customer registering a complaint that helpdesk service is below standard.

Cause:

Customer unhappy that operators do not make outgoing calls after helpdesk hours to give technical support.

Solution:

Visit every bar within a 5-block radius and write her name and phone number on the men's room wall. Chances are at least one caller will have some technical knowledge.

Problem:

Customer complaining that the company has a 'mercenary attitude' and is 'devoid of spirit'.

Cause:

Credit department has requested that the customer pay his bill in spite of the recent loss of a family pet.

Solution:

Prove the customer wrong by hiring a van to collect his lawn furniture and donate it to the Salvation Army.

Problem:

Customer unable to successfully boot up into Windows 3.1.

Cause:

Customer made no attempt to check for Y2K compliance before year 2000 rollover. Bad system date is preventing a third-party file management utility from loading. Customer has no installation disks for OS or applications.

Solution:

Pray for a miracle, because only God can help him now.

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