Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Slip of the tongue

Customer: "The error message says I'm having trouble with my installed email child. That's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?"

Operator: "Installed email client, possibly?"

Customer: "...that would make a lot more sense, wouldn't it?"

Why would Chewbacca want to live in the Ewok village? It does not. Make. Sense.
You're not speaking my language

Customer: "Every time I want the computer to do my email, it has to go through and do its googly-goo. You know what I mean?"

Operator: "I'm not sure what you mean by 'googly-goo'."

Customer: "It does its googly-goo, that's all. It always does its googly-goo."

Operator: "Can you be more specific?"

Customer: (snotty) "Everyone else knows what I mean."

Operator: (sigh) "Well, never mind that. What seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "It's not doing its googly-goo."

Stop making my head hurt!
No means no

Customer: "I have my computer set up in [long, long spiel] fashion. Will that be a problem for my connection?"

Operator: "No, not at all."

Customer: "Is that... no as in no, or no as in yes?"

Operator: "What?"

No means no

Customer: "No. No, it won't work. I can't enter those numbers, they're too far away."

Operator: "All the numbers you need will be on the keyboard."

Customer: "Of course they are! That's not what I meant at all!"

Operator: "What did you mean?"

Customer: "That they're too far away!"

Operator: "..."

You're not talking my language
Customer: "Hi, I need some help because we've just clicked."

Operator: "Sorry, 'clicked'?"

Customer: "Yes, we clicked to you this morning."

Operator: "I'm not sure what you mean when you say that."

Customer: "I closed my account with [other ISP] and opened one with you, of course!"

I know the company says it's as easy as clicking a mouse, but you have to allow for marketing hype.
You're not talking my language

Customer: "I've got two email drives, you see. One on my Outlook Express and one on my Hotmail. I need to know which of those I sent the encryption towards."


I hope your phone line's braced properly.
Slip of the tongue

Customer: "I can't understand why it's taking so long. I've only got seven hundred kilograms of email to download."

Don't fight it

It happens every day: someone phones into our support line, hears "For help with your internet account, press X" and immediately presses X, even though his problem is with the company's earwax extraction service and he doesn't even have an internet account.

There's a moment of silence in which you can hear him thinking "Shit, I spent 20 minutes waiting to talk to someone who doesn't know a thing about earwax extraction."

Then there's a moment of sly hope as he thinks "Maybe if I don't actually tell him it's not an internet account, he'll be able to fix it anyway."

Operator: "What's your email address?"

Customer: "It's a type 3, straight out of the box. Extra suction."

Operator: "Sorry, it's what?"

Customer: "I've only had it a month."

Operator: "...right. Do you know your login ID?"

Customer: "My name's Jim."

Operator: "Is 'Jim' your login ID as well?"

Customer: "I've never had this problem before."

Give up. Accept your fate. The internet helpdesk can't fix your earwax extractor. Unless you want to hang up now, you're going to be transferred.

Think about it

Customer: "My computer crashed and Windows had to be rebooted. My programs don't work and I can't connect to the internet. But I've talked to your accounts people and they say I'm all paid up, so why can't I get in?"

The body is full of bullet holes? I guess that means he drowned.
You're not talking my language

Customer: "Look, stop, just stop. I don't know what do you mean by 'power the computer off'. What's power?"


Every customer has a great idea for their ISP which could never, ever work.
Communication breakdown

Customer: "I already spoke to one of your people earlier. Don't you know about it?"

Operator: "We make notes in our call-logging database, but ordinarily we don't tell each other about the calls we've taken."

Customer: "Well you should!"

You're not talking my language

Customer: "I've reset all my memory thingies. Can you help me to remember my password?"

Baffle 'em with jargon

Customer: "Transmit buffer? What transmit bu -- oh yes, I can see that setting now. It's at minimum."

Operator: "Minimum?"

Customer: "No, wait... what's that other thing? -- maximum."

Glad we got that straight...
Slip of the toungue

Customer: "Now you'll have to be patient with me, I'm not the world's greatest computer illiterate."


Okay, so maybe this OS is completely useless. It was cheap, and that makes all the difference.
You're not speaking my language

Customer: "Can you put me through to your Spanish department?"

Operator: "Spanish department? I'm afraid we're all English-speaking here."

Customer: "But my Windows is in Spanish, and I can't read it."

Your guess is as good as mine

Customer: "I hope you can help me, there's a big thing on my screen, and I don't know how it got there."

Operator: "Uh... what kind of big thing?"

Customer: "I don't know, but it wasn't there this morning."

Failure to communicate

Operator: "What's your password?"

Customer: "I reset it."

Operator: "Okay, what's the new password?"

Customer: "I reset it."

Operator: "Yes, I understand that your password was reset. What's the new password?"

Customer: "IRISH SETTER!"

Operator: "...oh."

You're not speaking my language

Customer: "I called earlier and one of your people took me through the thing, you know?"

Operator: "Through the what?"

Customer: "The, the thing. You know what I mean."

Operator: "Not really. But go ahead and tell me about the problem you have at the moment."

Customer: "I need some help with the other thing."

The 'other thing' being spoken english?
Baffle 'em with jargon

Customer: "I've just installed some more energy. Will that help my internet?"


And yet he's talking to me like I'm the idiot.
Baffle 'em with jargon

Customer: "I'm trying to connect to my home site. Can you help me with that?"

Operator: "You're having trouble viewing a website, are you?"

Customer: "No, I told you -- I want my home site."

Operator: "Are you having trouble connecting to your personal internet account?"

Customer: "NO! I want my 'home' 'site'!"

Operator: (sigh) "Can you tell me what exactly you mean by 'home site'?"

Customer: "My email, of course!"

Baffle 'em with jargon

Operator: "[RIP] internet faults, [Operator] speaking. How can I help you?"

Customer: "Oh, I don't have a fault, it's just that my internet isn't working."

You're not speaking my language

Customer: "One of your technicians came out and relisted my box today, and now I'm having some trouble with my email."

Operator: "I'm sorry, he did what?"

Customer: "He bounced my broad modem band."

Operator: "I'm not sure I understand."

Customer: "With the setup disk! He did it with the setup disk!"

Sprechen sie deutsch? No? Habla espanol? Do you wakarimasu any frickin' nihongo?
You're not speaking my language

Customer: "Oh hello, I've been waiting to get through to you. Can you tell me how to dial the name of my computer?"


Seems like a an awful lot to ask, doesn't it?
Listen when I talk

Operator: "[RIP] internet faults helpdesk, this is [Operator]. How can I --"

Customer: "I think my internet's faulty. Can you help me?"

You're not speaking my language

Customer: "Now, you'll have to be patient with me, I'm not 100% computer. I'm old."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I'm on the Windows control panel, and normally it's different, but now it's the same. Can you help me?"

Not without an English-to-space-cadet phrasebook.
Drama queen

Customer: "Would it be possible for you to give my issue a higher priority?"

Operator: "According to our schedule, there should be a technician there with you now. Has he not arrived yet?"

Customer: "He's here, but I was just wondering if you can bump the importance up a bit."

Operator: "Well, since the technician's already there, there isn't much point to raising the priority."

Customer: "So that's it, is it? You're not going to put me through to a manager?"

Operator: "Well, if you'd like to make a complaint about the situation --"

Customer: "I just want you to fix my problem."

Operator: "But the technician's already there and working on the problem."

Customer: "I've had to wait months for you to do something!"

Operator: "But... something's being done right now. There is a technician in your building and dealing with the problem as we speak."

Customer: "That's a great attitude mate, I keep paying you thousands of dollars and you people just leave me to starve!"

Operator: "Are you listening to me? There's someone fixing it right now!"

Customer: "Forget it! Just forget it!" CLICK

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