Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Technology. In spite of the fact it was our tool-using intelligence that put us at the top of the food chain, some people will just never get it. I don't know whether it's through indifference to the underpinnings of our comfortable 21st century existance, intellectual laziness, lack of reasoning power or a combination of all three, but the result is complete blank incomprehension when faced with any device more technically demanding than a toothpick.

But on the other hand... it's these people who save me from having to get a real job! :o)
Just testing

Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] customer care, my name is [operator]. Could I have your --"

Customer: [whispering]"How do I change to the windows directory in DOS?"

Operator: "Cee-dee-space-windows-enter. Could I have your user name or --"

Customer: "How do I display the contents of a directory?"

Operator: "Dee-eye-ar. I need your --"

Customer: [still whispering] "How do I delete a file?"

Operator: [alarmed] "Wait a minute, don't be hasty. You don't want to go deleting files from the windows directory unless you're sure you know what they're for."

Customer: "I'm not deleting files."

Operator: [curious] "Then what are you doing?"

Customer: [quieter than ever] "Taking a test."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I keep getting a 'no dialtone' error."

Operator: "Okay. Can you check that the modem cable is plugged into the 'line-in' socket, please."

Customer: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "And the phone jack, does that have a double-adaptor on it?"

Customer: "No, just this phone."

Operator: "Just the phone? What about the modem cable?"

Customer: "That's coiled up out of the way at the back."

Operator: "I think we've found your problem. It needs to be plugged into the phone socket to get a dial tone."

Customer: [short pause] "You mean -- it has to be plugged in at both ends?"

Non-starter pack

Customer: "I got your starter pack in the mail, and it's no damn good!"

Operator: "What seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "You sent me a user manual and installation CD, but you didn't send me a modem!"

We don't give you electricity or a place to sit, either...
I think you've missed the point

"I'm having a second phone line installed. That way I can call the helpdesk without missing out on too much surfing."


Error messages mean nothing! Ignore them!
Fun with email

Customer: "I can't seem to receive any email."

Operator: "Is it giving you an error message?"

Customer: "No, there just isn't any mail coming in."

Operator: "Are you able to view websites?"

Customer: "I dont know, I haven't tried."

Operator: [sigh, back to basics] "Okay, what process do you go through to connect to the server?"

Customer: "Connect? You mean I have to be connected?"

Fun with email

Customer: "I'm not receiving any email."

Operator: "Okay, what's your email address?"

Customer: "I don't have one."

Operator: "You don't have an email address? Are you a [RIP] customer?"

Customer: "Yes, I got your starter CD in the mail."

Operator: "Did you run it?"

Customer: "Was I supposed to?"

Of course not, email starts flying through the aether to you as soon as you think about getting an account.
Sign right here

Customer: "I'm trying to get online, and it just keeps telling me 'account already in use'."

Operator: "Account in use? Are you re-running the registration program?"

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "Why?"

Customer: "I just wanted to see if it would work."

It didn't after that...

How were you going to connect without a phone line? Your powers of concentration?
Sign right here

Customer: "How do I know if I've registered successfully?"

(No point asking a customer if he was able to connect -- every helpdesk operator knows the sound a blank look makes.)

Operator: "Did the registration program create an icon on your desktop labelled '[RIP]'?"

Customer: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well -- could you look?"

Customer: "I can't, I came around to my son's house to use the phone."

Operator: [gets rid of this customer -- it's too late at night for this]

Don't go away mad

Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] customer care, could I have your account details please?"

Customer: "I don't want to bother with any of that."

Operator: "I'll need to get that information before I can help you."

Customer: "Look, if this is the kind of service you're going to give me, I'll go over to [RIP's biggest competitor]!"

Operator: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I really can't do anything without your account details."

Customer: "Okay, sorry. My account is [idiot customer]."

Operator: [enters details] "Okay, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm calling to close my [RIP] account, it's too expensive."

You're not talking my language

Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] customer care, could I have your email address or login ID please?"

Customer: "Uh..."

Operator: "Okay, could I have your phone number, please?"

Customer: "Uh... uh... nah."

Operator: [getting irritated] "What about an account number?"

Customer: "Uh... can you help me... with my... computer...?"

Operator: "Only if you're a [RIP] customer."

Customer: "'kay..." click

You're not talking my language

Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] customer care, my name is [operator]. Can I have your email address please."

Customer: [man's voice] "You sounded much nicer last time we spoke."

Operator: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "Last week when I called. You sorted out my friend's computer, and I thought you had such a lovely voice."

Operator: [not liking where this call is going] "Are you sure it was me you spoke with?"

Customer: "Yes, it was definitely you."

Operator: "Well, how can I help you today?"

Customer: "Well, I'm gay... and I'm feeling lonely..."


If that's the kind of business relationship you want, you'll have to try another industry...
What can you say to this?

"Can you recommend a good dealer where I could buy a modem? I've heard that having one can speed up my connection quite a bit."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I installed your software off the CD."

Operator: "Mmm-hmm." [clickety-clack]

Customer: "But the connection was very slow."

Operator: "Mmm-hmm." [clickclick]

Customer: "I thought I must have too many icons on the screen."

Operator: "Mmm-hmm." [click-rattle-clack]

Customer: "So I uninstalled Netscape Navigator and Dial-Up Networking, and now I can't get a connection at all."

Operator: "Mmm -- aargh!"


He'd never make this mistake on his phone. Does using a PC sap the intellect?
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] customer care, my name is [operator]. Could you quote me your phone number please."

Customer: "Yes, I can." [pause] "My problem is --

Operator: "Uh, before we continue, I will need you to quote me your phone number."

Customer: [quotes a number]

Operator: [clickety-click] "Mr [customer], that's not the right contact number for this account."

Customer: "Yes, I know."

Operator: [groan] "Okay, then what's this number for?"

Customer: "That's the number I'm moving to in a couple of months."

Operator: [silent scream and shaking of fists] "Could I have your current number, please?"

Customer: [quotes another number]

Operator: "Okay, what's the problem?"

Customer: "Ever since I entered my new number into the dialer, I can't connect."

Operator: "You entered your own number into the dialer?"

Customer: "Yes." [not catching on]

Operator: "So you're dialing your own number?"

Customer: "Yes." [still not getting it]

Operator: "So you can't connect to our number because you're dialing your own number?" [could he be any more blatant?]

Customer: "Yes. I've never had this problem before. Is there something wrong with your server?"

What version of Windows are you running?

"Windows Professional."

"Windows 97."

"Windows 99."

"Windows Express."

"Windows 85 -- why are you laughing?"

"I'm not running Windows, I'm running Office 97."

"How would I know? You're the technician."

"Windows Server."

"The Microsoft version."

"Windows ME 2000."

"Windows 2000 Millenium Edition."

"It doesn't have a version number. Yes, I'm looking. No, it's not there. Look, it doesn't have a version number, okay?! --Oh, yes it does. 98."

I think you've missed the point

Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] technical support. Could I have --"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like you to send ICQ to my daughter. She's in England. Bye."


Internet Explorer power drain

Customer: "Whenever I open Internet Explorer 4, the house lights go dim."

Operator: [short pause] "Maybe you should go into your IE settings and make sure you don't have the 'dim house lights' option ticked."

Buggy software

Operator: "I'd like to refresh a couple of the networking protocols. Do you have your Windows 95 CD available?"

Customer: "Yes, it's in the drawer here..." [rummage] "Ack!"

Operator: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "There's a cockroach on the CD!"

Operator: [trying not to laugh] "Just the one bug, is it?"

Caught red handed

Customer: "Someone's trying to hack me, I'm sure of it. Every time I log into my account, someone at [IP address] sends a request to open port 25 on my computer!"

Operator: "That's our email server."

Just saying hello doesn't mean we're going to mug you!

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