Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
Red light means stop

Operator: "Does it have a tick in 'always connect'?"

Customer: "I can't tell, it's gone back to accounts."

Operator: "Alright, click on 'properties', then 'connection' again."

Customer: "Yep."

Operator: "Is there a tick?"

Customer: "I don't know, it's gone back again."

Operator: "Right, 'properties', then 'connection'."

Customer: "Yep."

Operator: "Is it ticked?"

Customer: "I can't tell! Every time I click the OK button at the bottom, it closes that screen and goes back to accounts!"

Don't panic

Customer: "Something odd happens whenever I connect up to the internet. It shows a phone number ###-###-### on the screen and says it's dialing."

Operator: "Do you connect using a modem over a phone line?"

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "Don't worry, that's normal."

Customer: "Oh."

Another deer blinded by the internet headlights.
Please be joking

Customer: "Hi, I'm having some trouble with the internet. Can you help me?"

Operator: "I certainly can. What's the error message it gives you?"

Customer: "Oh. There was an error message, but I forgot what it said. I didn't think it was important. Was it?"

Operator: "It was, but we could check some general settings anyway. What version of Windows are you running?"

Customer: "I think it's 97 or 98 or something."

Operator: "Okay. I'd like you to click on the My Computer icon with your right-hand mouse button --"

Customer: "Look, I'm a computer studies teacher, so there's no need to use these baby words with me."


Well, aren't you special?
Everything the hard way

Customer: "Listen, this is just insane! It's been all day and you people haven't done anything!"

Operator: "Okay, what's the fault you're experiencing?"

Customer: "The fault is I called and talked to one of your people and he put me on hold for too long, so I hung up. And then I called again and the next guy did the same thing! So I hung up and called again and the same thing happened and I'm just getting nowhere after waiting all day!"

Operator: "Miss [Customer] has it occurred to you that the reason you're not getting very far is that you're not giving us the time we need to accomplish anything?"

Customer: "I'm trying to run a business here!"

I can't win

Customer: "I emailed a complaint about a problem I was having and I got a response back from your postmaster saying it would take four days to fix it and I think that sucks!"

Operator: "Well, that was just an estimate. We were able to take care of that problem in under 36 hours."

Customer: "It still sucks!"

The resort doesn't live up to the brochure

Customer: "I'm a Macintosh specialist, and I'm calling on behalf of one of my customers. He's having some trouble receiving email, and the mac's telling him the server cannot be found."

Operator: "Okay, what are the server names he has entered into his mail settings?"

...moments later...

Operator: "No, the edit menu. At the top of the window."

...moments later...

Operator: "Double-click. Click-click. Just like that. Click-click."

...moments later...

Operator: "Yes, I realise a Macintosh mouse only has one button. You need to click the same button twice."


Operator: "I'm sorry, but I don't know how we're going to check the settings if you can't bring them up on the screen. You might like to consult one of your co-workers and see if they can help you."

Customer: "I don't have any co-workers, I'm a contract specialist." (heavy sigh) "I know what the problem is. This is OS version 9.2, and I'm only familiar with 9.22."

He's not the only 'specialist' getting paid for skills he doesn't have, but most contractors have at least used the computer system they claim to specialise in.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "...And now I'd like you to open up the Internet Options icon."

Customer: "How do I do that?

Operator: (sigh) "Mr [Customer], every icon on your computer can be opened by double-clicking it. There's really no need to keep asking me that."

Customer: "I just want to be sure."


You're the only one who made that mistake.
Foot in mouth

Customer: "You know exactly what I've got up on my screen now, don't you? How can you know that?"

Operator: "I have screen shots."

Customer: "Oh." (disappointed) "I thought you were intelligent."

The most important thing

Customer: "I've been going through the setup wizard, and I'm pretty good, so I've put all the important stuff in. I just need you to help me with the rest."

Operator: "Okay. How much have you done already?"

Customer: "I've put my name in."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "You'd just need to run the Windows Update feature to download and install the patch to fix that problem."

Customer: "Where's that?"

Operator: "That's on the Start menu."

Customer: "Can't you narrow it down a bit for me?"

Narrower than 'click a button and there it is'? Probably not.
Think about it

Customer: "What's wrong with your network? I'm trying to email someone and it keeps sending my messages back saying I've used the wrong address."

A journey of a thousand miles...

Customer: "Why can't I see my photos on my website?"

Operator: "Hmmm. There are no files on the site, and our FTP log isn't showing any activity. When did you put them up there?"

Customer: "Put them up there? What do you mean?"


Mistakes aren't for learning from, right?
Deja vu all over again

In this story I talked about a woman who was having trouble reading an error message to me because she wasn't wearing her glasses. Well funnily enough, she called back a few weeks later...

Customer: "Cannot... cannot something... server not there... not talking... cannot talk to the server..."

Operator: "Mrs [Customer], do you have your reading glasses on?"

Customer: "No, because I've lost them."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "Mr [Customer], I can see that it's rejecting the user name you've entered there. Now, I believe I told you yesterday that you can't just invent a user name on the spot, you need to use the one you originally requested from us?"

Customer: "Yes, but I thought that probably wasn't right, so I decided to try it again."

Let me see if I can break the situation down for you:

1) I told you that your way doesn't work.
2) You decide I'm wrong, and repeat the same mistake, discovering again that
3) ...your way doesn't work. But instead of trying my way, you call to quiz me about it again, revealing that
4) ...you're an idiot, and I'll be hearing from you again tomorrow.

If you decide to try any more home computer 'upgrades', please keep point 4 above in mind.

Can't see the wood for the trees

Operator: "Now, you'll just need to click the link for Internet Explorer 6, and it'll start downloading onto your desktop."

Customer: "What link? There's only five things here on the screen. Do you want me to go back into the menu?"

Operator: "No, you'll just need to click on the words 'Internet Explorer 6' there."

Customer: "One, two, three, four, five. Five things. There's no six."

Operator: "Internet Explorer 6. The second link from the top."

Customer: "I see one, two, three, four --"

Operator: "Mr [Customer], there are five options on the screen, correct?"

Customer: "Correct."

Operator: "Read them, please."

Customer: "Well, which one should I go --"

Operator: "Read them."

Customer: "Can't you tell me which --"

Operator: "READ THEM."

Customer: "Oh, there it is. Internet Explorer."

Just read the screen. That's not too ambitious, is it?
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Operator: "It sounds like the modem isn't getting any power. Can you check that the power cord is firmly plugged in?"

Customer: "Okay." rattle-rattleBUZZZZZZ "Yes, it's fine."

Operator: "There was a bit of interference on the line there -- what other devices have you got plugged into the same power strip as the computer?"

Customer: "I can't tell, it's all the way under the desk."

Operator: "Sorry? You were looking at that just now, weren't you?"

Customer: "No, I checked the base for the cordless phone. That was right, wasn't it?"


So why did you even offer?

Never mind. Knowing that isn't going to make the world a better place.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "What details do you need to bring up my account? Do you want my customer number?"

Operator: "Yes, that would be fine."

Customer: "Oh. Well, I didn't know you'd want that. I don't have it with me."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "Okay, I'm just pulling the customer database up on my screen now... do you have have a [RIP] connection?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a [RIP] connection through [Rival ISP]."

Think about it

Customer: "I pay my account every month, every #@$@&% month, so why does my network connections screen say my account is disconnected?!"

Operator: "Are you online at the moment?"

Customer: "No."

Operator: "That's why."

Of course, if you want to be permanently disconnected, keep talking to me like that.
It could always be worse

I swear to God, if just one more person complains about how long they've had to wait to get through to me, I'm heading down to the shops to buy some bagpipe music.


And what have you done to earn your oxygen today?
Lovely day

Customer: "I'm having some trouble connecting to the internet, can you help me?"

Operator: "Okay, what kind of error message is it giving you?"

Customer: "Oh, do I need to be in front of the computer? It's a lovely day, so I thought I'd turn it off and come out into the garden to call you."

New user

Customer: "The computer is saying it needs a new user, but I'm the only one here. Do I need to call my neighbour across?"

One of the dangers of personal computing

Operator: "Okay, now I'd like you to open up the control panel so we can take a look at your modem settings --"

Customer: "Does that need to be done on the computer?"

Operator: "Yes, it does."

Customer: "I can't do that at the moment. My son's playing a game, and if I interrupt him, he'll be furious."

Good to see you're not spoiling him...

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