Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Listen very carefully

Customer: "I'll just repeat back what you got me to type in... 'A' for Adam, 'G' for Terry, then an ampersand symbol, 'X' for Freddy and 'X' for X-ray."

Operator: "Uh... no."

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

05/02/04 07:42 chrisk ticket_open

* erica calling / win98 / unknown modem

* program not responding, cannot be closed - mouse frozen - advised to press reset button

* caller can't find reset button - advised it's on the pc case, not the monitor

* can't find the computer? - advised it's probably under the desk

* nope, caller still can't find the computer - advised to follow the cords from the back of the monitor

* caller is now pressing the reset button as hard as she can, and nothing is happening except the screen is getting brighter - advised caller to forget about the MONITOR and follow the video cord back to the CASE

* this just isn't working, caller got lost again

* advised erica to have someone else call on her behalf / closed pending customer input

She managed to reset the radio, the desk drawer and the parakeet, but not the computer.

Not as advertised

Operator: "I'm sorry, but I can't make any changes to the DNS records for that domain name unless you can give me the account number and security password."

Customer: "That's not what the last technician I talked with told me!"

Operator: "Ms [Customer], I am the last technician you spoke with. These are my own notes I'm looking at."

Customer: "That's not what you told me!"

Think about it

Customer: "When I open up my email all I can see on my screen is rubbish."

Operator: "What's the email program you're using?"

Customer: "WordPerfect."

Operator: "Um... WordPerfect isn't an email program, it's for writing letters."

Customer: "I use it to read my other documents, I should be able to use it for email."

I hope they were really good biscuits.

There's a time and a place

Operator: "[RIP] technical helpdesk, this is [Operator]."

Customer: "Oh, uh — you've caught me at a bad moment. Can you give me time to finish my biscuits?"

Operator: "Biscuits?"

Customer: "Yes, I got hungry while I was waiting."

Operator: "No, I don't think I can."

Customer: "Oh. Never mind." click

Think about it

Customer: "I can't get connected, the message is saying my password is wrong. But that's all encrypted, so it must be right."

Operator: "I see from our records that you called us this morning in relation to another problem, and set up a new connection at the time. Did you enter your password into the settings when you did that?"

Customer: "It's all encrypted, I don't need to."

Operator: "Mr [Customer], the connection needs to have your password entered into it so it can send it through to us."

Customer: "Well, no-one ever told me that."

Operator: "What does it say on your screen right now?"

Customer: "'Please enter your password'."

Operator: "Right."

Think about it

Customer: "I'm having a problem with my modem. I called the other day and one of your people there said I need to have the computer serviced."

Operator: "I understand. Was the technician you took the computer to able to help you with that?"

Customer: "I haven't done it yet."

Operator: "I see. Well, how can I help you?"

Customer: "The problem's still there."

This isn't the kind of problem that goes away by itself. We checked.

Never assume

Operator: "Okay, there's the problem. It's dialing your own phone number. It needs to have our connection number in there."

Customer: "How is that possible? Your man looked at all of this with me, he should have spotted it! I can't believe you don't —"

Operator: (patience wearing thin) "Well, he probably thought you read some of the setup information you were given."

Customer: "You shouldn't assume things like that!"

No internet for you.

Not the best way to start a call

Customer: "Hello, this is Mr [Customer], of [address] and [phone number] in [town]. I need to speak to your nazi."

Wedded bliss

Customer: "I'm having some trouble connecting up. It tells me my user name or password is incorrect. I know I put in the right password, so the problem must be the user name. That's my wife's name."

Operator: "Okay, how can I help you there?"

Customer: "How do I spell her name?"

Around and round we go

Operator: "When you try to connect up to retrieve your email, what does the error message say?"

Customer: "Oh... it's just a short one."

Operator: "Mmm-hmm. What does it say?"

Customer: "It's just a tiny message."

Operator: "Yes, and what does it say?"

Customer: "But it's tiny!"

Think about it

Customer: "Hi, I just shifted my domain name hosting from your company to another company, and now my email isn't working."

Operator: "The new hosting company would need to have set that domain name up to handle email. Have they —"

Customer: "Oh no, they don't do that. I do it myself through an interface on their website."

Operator: "Have you done that?"

Customer: "No."

Stalled at the first gate

Operator: "Now it'll need the outbound email server name entered in there. That's 'S' for Sally, 'M' for Mary, 'T' for Thomas, 'P' for Peter —"

Customer: "S-M-P-P?"

Operator: "S-M-T-P."

Customer: "S-S-T-P?"

Operator: "S-M-T-P. Sally, Mary, Thomas, Peter."

Customer: "S-M — uh, what was next?"

Operator: "Let's start again. 'S' for Sally."

Customer: "'S' for Sally."

Operator: "'M' for Mary."

Customer: "'M' for Mary."

Operator: "'T' for Thomas."

Customer: "'T' for Thomas."

Operator: "'P' for Peter."

Customer: "'P' for Peter."

Operator: "Okay, that's good."

Customer: "Are all the email settings going to be this hard?"

Operator: "Yes."

The spirit is willing, but...

Threatening me doesn't work if you have a lisp. It's like being menaced by Elmer Fudd. Who could take that seriously? You can get as obnoxious as you like, and all I hear is "Oooooh, I'll get you, you wascally wabbit!"

I know this goes against my usual advice, but stop trying to think, and just do what I say.

Time and time again

Operator: "What country code does it show there?"

Customer: "It says Australia 61."

Operator: (Grrr) "Mr [Customer], this is something we've looked at several times already, so I'd like you to pay special attention to it. We are not in Australia. The country code has to be changed."

Customer: "But it comes up automatically. The computer must know what it's doing?"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "Okay, now that we've finished that, you'll need to click on the new connection with your right-hand —"

Customer: "What new connection?"

Operator: "The new icon that's just appeared on the screen."

Customer: "There isn't any new icon."

Operator: "...when it said you were finished setting up the new connection, what did you click next?"

Customer: "Cancel, of course."

Open mouth, insert foot

Customer: "Listen, I'm having some trouble connecting to the internet, because I'm not a computer nerd like you people."

And yet she still thinks I'm going to help her now.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "Mr [Customer], I realise it's a difficult target to hit, but you'll have to learn to click the cross up at the top right-hand corner. You can't keep hitting the reset button and rebooting the computer when you want to close the current window, you'll eventually break something that way."

We're a big, impersonal, money-grubbing company with no conscience and people actually want us to know where they are, who they're with and what they're doing.

Round and round we go

Customer: "I'm calling a number, and I hear a recorded message saying it's been diverted to a cellphone."

Operator: "Yes?"

Customer: "I don't want to call a cellphone, so I'd like you to put me through to the closest normal phone, please."

Virus alert

Customer: "I've received a lot of odd emails today, which I didn't open because I think they're probably viruses. I went to get a new update for my virus scanner, but the most recent update is a couple of days old, so it probably won't work for these viruses."

Operator: "Okay, I understand."

Customer: "So can you make me an update instead?"

Tunnel vision

Operator: "Are you running a firewall?"

Customer: "How can I tell?"

Operator: "You'll need to take your mouse pointer down to the system tray — that's the area of the screen that has the time on it."

Customer: "I don't see that here."

Operator: "Take your mouse all the way down to the bottom of the screen."

Customer: "Done."

Operator: "Now, if you look over at the right hand corner, do you see the time?"

Customer: "No, I see the 'OK' and 'Close' buttons."

Operator: "You need to move the mouse all the way down, to the spot where the screen merges with the case."

Customer: "Done."

Operator: "Do you see it there now?"

Customer: "No. I see the inbox."

Operator: "You need to have your mouse at the very bottom of the screen — all the way down. Keep moving it down until it won't go any lower."

Customer: "Alright, it's there."

Operator: "Okay, do you see the time now?"

Customer: "All I see is 'File, Edit, View'..."

Operator: "Mr [Customer], that's the menu. You're looking at the top of the screen."

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