Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
Well, it's — hey, wait a minute!

Simon says

Customer: "So in order to prove I'm who I say I am, I need to quote you my password?"

Operator: "That's right."

Customer: "Okay. What is it?"

Nobody loves you

Customer: "I need you to investigate why my website isn't getting as many hits as it was last month."

Operator: "Normally, fewer hits on the counter means that fewer people are visiting the page."

Customer: "But how could that happen?"

No free porn?

Count on your fingers

Operator: "I can give you your password, but I'll need to ask you for a couple of details from your account to confirm your identity first. What's your contact phone number?"

Customer: "Is it 12-345-6789?"

Operator: "No, that doesn't appear to match our record here."

Customer: "Is it 987-654?"

Operator: "That's not a phone number."

Customer: "How many digits is it?"

Operator: "It's a phone number."

Customer: "Is it XYZABC?"

Operator: "That's not any kind of number."

Perfectly normal

Customer: "I've just set up my connection and I can't connect onto the internet. Is that normal?"

Are you normal?

Please continue to hold

Operator: "[RIP] faults, [Operator] speaking."

Customer: "Oh... my husband's just stepped out for a minute. You'll have to wait for him."

Operator: "Can you tell me what the problem is?"

Customer: "My husband will just be a minute."

Operator: "What are your account details?"

Customer: "Our account is..."

Operator: "Yes?"

Customer: "Look, we had to wait a long time to get through to you, now you'll just have to wait for my husband."

Operator: "Okay, but I can't wait too long. As you've seen yourself, there are a lot of people trying to speak to me this evening."

(minutes pass)

Customer: "Here he is."

Operator: "Hi, it's [Operator] here —"

Customer 2: "Before you start, don't you think you should apologise for all that waiting you put us through?"

Absolutely — if you called wanting help to make the problem worse.

Questionable priorities

Customer: "Oh, my favourite show's come on! Can I watch Survivor while you help me?"

Cut off your nose to spite your face

Customer: "Finally! Not making you work too hard are we? My email's not working."

Operator: "What kind of problem is it giving you?"

Customer: "I told you, it's not working. Are you deaf?"

Operator: (sigh) "Okay, what happens when you try to collect your —"

Customer: "I shouldn't have to collect anything, you're meant to be pushing it through to my server."

Operator: "Mr [Customer], do you understand that I'm trying to help you?"

Customer: "I've had a lot of trouble with this email, and now I feel like giving someone a hard time, so you'll just have to wear it."

Operator: Click

They're coming to get you

Operator: "Okay, now I'll need your email password to enter into the update utility —"

Customer: "I can't read that out over the phone! You never know who's listening."

Until this point, it was me.

Internet is hard

Customer: "I'm not getting any email to my new address that you set up for me the day before yesterday."

Operator: "According to the mail log, we haven't received any email for that address. Have you told people about the change?"

Customer: "No. How was I supposed to know I needed to?"

Let me consult my magic crystal ball.

Out of sight, out of mind

Customer: "Can you help me to set up my favourite search engines in Internet Explorer?"

Operator: "Yes, I can help you with that."

Customer: "Good! Now, can you tell me what my favourite search engines are?"

Assume the worst

The results of my appraisal just came back: the trainer feels that my technical and communication skills are up to scratch, but I should be announcing the company name when a call comes in, in case the person on the other end isn't sure who they've called.

Even I give customers more credit than that.

The emperor has no clothes

Customer: "I need to speak to your senior technician. I'm having some trouble sending email out through my Exchange server, and I've determined that the problem is at your end."

Operator: "Okay, what are the test results you've gotten?"

Customer: "What I've done is highly technical... I'm not sure you'd understand it."

Operator: "What kind of testing have you done?"

Customer: "I pinged the server's network address."

Note for non-geeks: this is about as 'highly technical' as checking to make sure your car still has wheels.

The customer impresses himself a lot more than he impresses me.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I'm having some trouble here. How do I press the shift key?"

Operator: "With your finger."

Customer: "Oh, okay."

And she works for my company!

The bottom of this barrel is insufficiently scraped

I thought I was being sarcastic when I wrote this, but a couple of days ago I really did have to offer tech support to someone trying to ride an elevator. I was getting into the lift at work (late) and the woman who stepped inside ahead of me was swiping her security card over the reader and tapping on her floor button in a rapid-fire motion that obviously wasn't registering on the controls — the door closed, but we were going nowhere.

"Hold it down," I advised her.

She shot me an exasperated look in reply. "Hold what down?" Still tapping.

"The button."

"It's not working." Tap tap tap, floor light blinking on and off, no motion.

"Hold the button down."

Tap tap tap.

Seeing it was a case of insufficient user resources, I leaned over and pressed her floor button long enough for it to register, and we began to move.

"These lifts never work properly," she told me.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other

Operator: "Sounds like the mail server names are wrong, so we'll just need to update those."

Customer: "Okay, I'm bringing them up now... what's the phone number?"

Operator: "Phone number? It's the email settings we need to check."

Customer: "They're all the same though, aren't they?"

Operator: "I can see why you're having trouble."

Minor details

Operator: "The server name it needs in there is 'pop3 — dot — [RIP] — dot — com', and that has to be entered in lower case letters."

Customer: "Okay... it's in."

Operator: "Can you read that back to me?"

Customer: "'pop — dot — three — dot — three — dot — [RIPRIP] — com — dot'."

Operator: "That's... not quite the same as what I read out."

Customer: "Yeah... guess I should have mentioned I'm dyslexic before we started."

When you fail to mention a disability that directly impacts on what we're attempting, you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I got a problem with my email. I called the phone company and they told me it's your fault."

Operator: "What's your email address with us?"

Customer: "How should I know?"

"You lazy techs, you always expect someone to tell you what problem they want you to fix!"

Near miss

Customer: "I can't get my email. Every time I try I get this error number that tells me the problem is oh-times-eight-hundred-something."

Operator: "Okay, I understand. What's the rest of the error number?"

Customer: "I only wrote down the first part."

False alarm

Customer: "Wha — something happened! Explorer opened! What's going on? Oh wait, I clicked on it. No wonder it opened."

Security expert

Customer: "I've been having some trouble for a while now. I had a virus, but I took care of it."

Operator: "What steps did you take to fix it?"

Customer: "I clicked on it."

Woo, I feel safer already.

Out of sight, out of mind

Customer: "I need you to reset my password for me."

Operator: "Okay, I'll just bring up the password system on my screen here... what would you like the new password to be?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "What would you like the new password to be?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Hello?"

Customer: "Uh... what was it I just asked you to do?"

Let me introduce you to my colleague, the "we don't support that" dialtone.

Operator: "You'll need to enter the letters C — A – B and then click 'find now'. Does that find any files?"

Customer: "Oh... there's too many."

Operator: "Well, just tell me what folders it's found them in."

Customer: "No, there's too many."

Operator: "Unless you can tell me if it found the files we need, I'm afraid I won't be able to help you with this."

Customer: "I don't appreciate your attitude."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I can't send email to my friends. I've looked at the entry in my address book for them and the only thing, the only thing, which is out of place is that their email address isn't quite right, so can you explain to me why should I be having trouble?"

Familiarity breeds contempt

Customer: "Hi, I need a modem cord to be able to connect up to the internet, so I need to know who I can ask for one."

Operator: "Any computer hardware store should be able to —"

Customer: "No, I mean who I can ask here in the office. Someone must have one."

Operator: "..."

Customer: "I'm new and I don't know everyone yet."

Operator: "..."

Customer: "They've called you before."

Operator: "..."

Some people I just want to shake and say "What the hell are you thinking?!"
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