Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
At least the voices aren't telling him to burn stuff.

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

17/07/04 11:12 chrisk ticket_open

* bill calling / unknown os / unknown modem

* can't browse any sites, very slow connection

* connection isn't just slow, it's non-existent — caller's computer is IN PIECES ON HIS POOL TABLE

* why did he tell me he's connecting successfully? how did he think i was going to help him with the problem? — caller has no explanation / NFA

Know when to let go

Operator: "Miss [customer], I can help you set the computer up, but you have to quit out of that connection wizard."

Cusotmer: "NO! I don't want to waste all the effort I've gone to!"

Try the lost and found

Customer: "I've lost my modem."

Operator: "When did it stop working?"

Customer: "No, I mean I've lost it. I've looked everywhere around my desk, and I can't find it anywhere."

Operator: "Whuh?"

Customer: "You can still help me get online, right?"

I could maybe understand this if it was one of those dinky little Alcatel routers, but this was one of the clunky old routers the company used to rent out when broadband first became available. They're a foot tall, covered with blinking lights, and hum like a swarm of angry bees. It's not like you could put it in a desk drawer and forget about it.

If it's not broken, fix it until it is.

Think about it

Customer: "I don't want to have a problem every time I connect to the internet. How can I stop this problem from coming back?"

Operator: "You could leave your router settings alone."

Think about it

Customer: "Listen, it's taken me three quarters of an hour bouncing back and forth between different departments, and all I want is a simple password change. Why can't you just do it?"

Operator: "...things would go faster if you could tell us which is your account."

Internet is hard

Operator: "What's the DSL light on your router showing at the moment?"

Customer: "It's green, but it's not blinking."

Operator: "I'd like you to power that down, then turn it on again."

Customer: "...Okay, it's on again."

Operator: "What does the light show now?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "What does the light show?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "...hello?"

Customer: "Look, I can't find it, alright? Stop hassling me!"

Aw, can't see the pretty blinking lights anymore?

Internet is hard

Every now and then I deal with a customer who will, completely without realising it, make little sounds of despair and torment every time I ask them to find and click on an icon.

It's usually while we're setting up a new computer for a new internet account.

I always wonder what their computer experience is like after I've hung up, if they have trouble with something that basic.

Suspending the normal process of cause and effect isn't one of the services we offer.

Think about it

Customer: "I can't connect to the internet, and I'm having a bugger of a time figuring out why."

Operator: "I see your account was registered just a couple of days ago. Did you use out setup CD to set the computer up?"

Customer: "Well, I got partway through it and I couldn't figure it out, so I gave up."

A job well done

There's nothing quite like taking a call from a customer you hung up on last month for being a dick and realising that you were the one who taught him those manners he's using.

User error: documentation not read

Customer: "My webmaster's having trouble uploading pages to my website. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

Operator: "What sort of error message is it bringing up?"

Customer: "I haven't talked to him today, but he emailed me all the details."

Operator: "What does his email say?"

Customer: "Uh... I haven't read it."

This is why you are doomed to failure in everything you do.

User error: documentation not read

When running the internet connection wizard to create a new connectoid in Windows, customers always seem to ask me "Can I enter any password I like?"

And the answer is "Yes, provided the password you like is exactly the same as the one under my phone number on your information sheet."

Oh, the irony. My sides are aching.

Pot, kettle, black

Customer: "I can't believe it — finally, an answer! You've kept me waiting bloody ages!"

Operator: "What seems to be the —"

Customer: "Just a second, I'm not ready."

You were warned

Customer: "Listen, the message on your line said that I'd only be waiting ten minutes to get through. It took a lot longer than ten minutes!"

Operator: "Actually it said the average wait is ten minutes."

Customer: "Why am I not average?"

Lack of ambition would be my guess.

Responsible parties

Customer: "I'm having a lot of trouble with my phone and I need some help."

Operator: "Okay, I'll just need to put you through to our voice team for some assistance —"

Customer: "NO! I waited a long time to get through to you, and you're not transferring me anywhere!"

Operator: "Okay, I'm not transferring you anywhere."

Customer: "Good. Now, what are you going to do about my phone?"

Operator: "Search me. Have you tried rebooting it?"

No, of course not. Everyone knows computers give you the right answers, even when you ask the wrong questions.

Garbage in, garbage out

Customer: "Listen, I have spent two hours, two whole hours talking to different departments and different companies and none of you can even find the service I'm talking about! This is unbelievable!"

Operator: "Hm. And you gave them the same details you gave me?"

Customer: "Yes!"

Operator: "The same incorrect details?"

Customer: "That doesn't matter!"

Should have tried honey

Let's imagine that you need to ask a favour from an ISP you yourself don't actually have an account with. Then let's assume that you call the technical support line they reserve for their customers. Next, let's suppose that the first thing you do when your call is answered is tell the operator how much his company sucks.

Still think you're getting your favour?

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

18/04/04 16:06 chrisk ticket_open

* ??? calling / ??? OS / ??? modem

* caller is very difficult to understand — has a strong accent and speaks very rapidly, except when he's telling me i'm a bastard

* i think he's practiced that phrase / NFA

I think he might have been asking why it's so hard to get good service.

Stating the obvious

Operator: "I'd like to know some of the background for this situation. How old is that computer you're using?"

Customer: "It was brand new when I bought it four years ago!"

Think about it

Customer: "I use online banking and my bank just gave me a new password, but when I try it, it tells me the password is wrong and I have to use the password you posted to me when I first registered or I can't connect. Can you help me?"

Left foot after right foot

Customer: "I've got your setup CD, and I've put it in my CD-ROM, but it hasn't done anything!"

Operator: "Did you follow the instructions that came up on the screen?"

Customer: "You didn't tell me I had to do that!"

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

12/04/02 15:21 davidm ticket_open

* anna calling / unknown os / unknown modem

* caller having problems that chinese secret police are tapping her phone line while she is on the internet and stealing her ideas for novels to sell to tv companies????????????

* she believes this because the internet connection slows down when they are listening to her thoughts

* told her we can help with the slow connection, but not with the other things — she will call back later (i don't want to take the call) / closed pending customer inpput

We call them reference numbers because we use them for reference.

Think about it

Customer: "Hi, I'm having some trouble with my internet and my email. One of your technicians gave me a reference number."

Operator: "Okay, what's the number?"

Customer: "Oh, I didn't realise I had to give it to you. It's in the other room."

Trust is a wonderful thing

Ladies, do you trust your teenage children enough to seriously consider the possibility that someone broke into your home, logged into your computer, and added porn sites to your bookmark list?

If so, I can help you.

But first, I need your credit card details.

Internet is hard

Customer: "I'm having some trouble writing my email, can you help me with that?"

Operator: "What kind of trouble?"

Customer: "How do I find all the letters and numbers I need?"

I ordered mine from Amazon.
Personally, I don't.

Not supported

Customer: "I'm having some trouble searching for information on horticulture."

Operator: "What kind of trouble?"

Customer: "How do you spell 'horticulture'?"

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