Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Lack of planning

Operator: "Okay, sounds like we'll need to configure your modem. I'd like you to click into the start menu --"

Customer: "I can't, I'm in the bath."

Operator: "In the bath. You're in the bath."

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "You are naked. and sitting in a tub of water."

Customer: "Well, it's not like you can see me --"

Operator: "What exactly did you think we could do for your computer while you're in the bath?"

Customer: "I dunno --"

Operator: "No, I'm really interested. What were you thinking? What was the trail of logic that led to the conclusion that we could fix anything while you're splashing about with your rubber ducky? Did you think you could pumice away a connection problem?"

(At this point, a supervisor hastily offers to take over the call so the operator can go on a break.)

Hello, who am I?

Operator: "If you'd like to quote me your date of birth to confirm your identity, I can change that password for you now."

Customer: "But how do I know if I gave you the right date of birth to begin with?"

I can see my next rostered break receding into the future. Fading... fading away...

Hello, who am I?

Customer: "One of my employees just called me to say I need to contact you people to authorise the password change she wanted this morning."

Operator: "Okay. With your permission given, I can take care of that now. What was the account that needs the change?"

Customer: "I dunno."

Email is a privilege, not a right.

No more viagra spam until you smarten up.

This doesn't follow that

Customer: "I can't get any email. The program says the server was not found."

Operator: "Okay. Normally that means the computer hasn't established the connection. What's the icon you click to connect to the internet?"

Customer: "Dial-up to [RIP], but I didn't do that this time."

Operator: "...would I be right in thinking the same problem comes up every time you skip that step?"

Customer: "I dunno."

Out of sight, out of mind

Operator: "Can you tell me which version of Windows you're running on that computer?"

Customer: (sounding pleased) "Ooh! I found that out that other day because I needed to know it for something else!"

Operator: "And what was it?"

Customer: "...I forgot."

Not as hard as you think

Customer: "I have a new computer, but all my email and stuff is going through to the old computer and I'm not getting anything on my new computer. How can I stop that from happening?"

Operator: "Are you still connecting from the old computer?"

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "Then don't."

Simple, isn't it?

Beyond the call of duty

Customer: "I sent email to someone hours ago, and I haven't received a reply!"

Operator: "Did they know to expect your email? They may not have checked for new messages yet."

Customer: "But it was urgent! Can't you call them and tell them there's email waiting?"

Operator: "...no."

Obviously it's vastly more complicated than simply pressing the power button.

Out of sight, out of mind

Customer: "I need your help with turning my computer on. I can't remember how."

Cause and effect

Customer: "I accidentally pulled the phone wiring out of my wall and now I can't connect to the internet because the computer says there's no dialtone, do you think that could be why?"

Out of sight, out of mind

Customer: "I just entered a new password in your online system. You know, for security."

Operator: "Yes, I can see that's updated in our records."

Customer: "It asked me for a number in the password, because it can't be all letters."

Operator: "That's right."

Customer: "So I just typed some random numbers and now it's asking me for them and I can't remember."

Your password shouldn't be so secure that you don't know what it is.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "I'd like you to power-cycle the router. That involves pulling out the power cord, waiting ten seconds, then plugging it in again."

Customer: "Which one's the power cord?"

Operator: "It's the thick black cord that leads from the router to the nearest power socket."

Customer: "...can you narrow it down a little?"

Well, wouldn't he?

The magic doesn't happen

Customer: "I've just signed up a new email address with you people. You're my internet thingy."

Operator: "I understand."

Customer: "So what I need to know is, how will my customers know about that?"

Operator: "You'd tell them... wouldn't you?"

Mistaken identity

Customer: "My brother's just visiting from overseas at the moment, and he's having a lot of trouble with his internet account ever since he got here."

Operator: "I see. Who's his ISP?"

Customer: "Well, we don't know that. We thought it might be you."

They're coming to get me

Customer: "I'm being hacked by someone right now! You can catch him if you hurry! I can see his name on the screen!"

Operator: "What's the name?"

Customer: "Norton Virus!"

He's a tricky one, that Norton.

For the millionth time, exaggeration

Customer: "One hour. If you don't solve this problem in one hour, I'll go to the police!"

Operator: "...I don't think it's actually illegal for our Radius server to be down."

Customer: "If you're not giving me the service I pay for, it's the same as stealing from me!"

Operator: "Well, good luck with that."

Pardon my scepticism, but something doesn't add up here.

Doubtful credentials

Operator: "What email program are you using?"

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Operator: "What's the program you view your email in?"

Customer: "I open it on the screen."

Operator: "Right... you understand that when you're working with email, you're using software for that? What I mean is, you have that email open in a particular program. So I need to know --"

Customer: "Listen, I'm computer programmer. You understand? So I'm not stupid, I just don't know all this non-programming stuff."

Operator: "...stuff like what a program actually is?"

A note to my customers

Many of you enjoy a cigarette while talking to me. I've never been particularly happy about this, because I think that moving your lips is an important part of any telephone conversation, but I've learned to live with it.

However, please try not to sound like you're performing oral sex on the cigarette. There's nothing more distracting than the feeling that the customer is having a 'private moment' and it would be best to leave them alone.

Also, it's just fucking disgusting.

Assuming too much

Customer: "I'm really hungry after that long wait to get through to you. Would you mind holding while I made myself some lunch? It would only take five minutes."

Operator: "I'D MIND VERY MUCH."

I know our wait times suck. Please don't make them worse.

Assuming too much

Operator: "Okay, to authorise that change I'll just need you to quote me your password."

Customer: "Look, I'm a dumb bugger. I accept it. And obviously I'm not going to be able to give you that."

Operator: "Well, if that --"

Customer: "So let's just skip that step and go on to the next one."

Operator: "...let's not."

Yeah, that'll work real well.

This doesn't follow that

Customer: "I can't afford an antivirus program anymore, so I just want to change my password instead."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "We'll need to look at the configuration for your modem now, so I'd like you to click into 'Phone and modem options'."

Customer: "Where's that?"

Operator: "It's here on this control panel screen."

Customer: "No... I can't find it."

Operator: "The icons are in alphabetical order --"

Customer: "Accessibility, Add hardware..."

Operator: "Phone starts with 'P'..."

Customer: "Power! I found it!"

'Close' only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades

Operator: "I'd like to bring that up on my screen here. Can you give me your account number, please?"

Customer: "It's about ######."

Operator: "I'm sorry, 'about' ######?"

Customer: "Yes, somewhere in that region."

Operator: "..."

Getting his retaliation in first

Customer: "Listen, I'm sick of you people delaying. I'm not going to pay you any more fees, d'you hear? I've had my new hosting company waiting for more than a month now while you drag your heels over freeing up my domain!"

Operator: "I'm sorry to hear that, I'll see if I can speed that up for you right now."

Customer: "Good!"

Operator: "What date did you ask us to release the domain?"

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Operator: "When did you contact us to have the domain released?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Mr [Customer]?"

Customer: click

Skipped a step, didn't we?

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "I'd like to check the settings of your internet connection. For that, you'll need to open the My Computer icon --"

Customer: "I can't."

Operator: "What happens when you click on My Computer?"

Customer: "Nothing."

Operator: "Okay, try clicking once, and then pressing the Enter key."

Customer: "I can't, I'm in the garden."

Operator: "You're --?"

Customer: "In the garden."

Operator: "...can you go to where the computer is, please."

Customer: "But it's hot in there."

Mind like a goldfish. Every time it completes a circuit of the bowl, "Whoa, a ceramic castle!"

In one ear, out the other

Customer: "The last technician I spoke with wanted me to get an error message, so I did, and I've called back to give it to you."

Operator: "Okay, what are your account details?"

Customer: "###-###."

Operator: "Right, I have that open now. What was that error message?"

Customer: "What?"

Operator: "The error message you called to quote?"

Customer: "What's an error message?"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "I'd like to check the DSL status of the line you're using... what's the number for that?"

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Operator: "The phone number."

Customer: "I don't understand."

Operator: "The phone number. For the line. That we are talking on."

Customer: "How would I know?"

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