Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Cause and effect

Operator: "I've checked the password three times, and the Radius server accepted it every time. It's correct."

Customer: "It can't be. The last thing I saw on the screen before it went black and the power light went out was 'authenticating user name and password'."

Think about it

Customer: "Something must be wrong. I can't download any internet sites or internet mail when I'm not connected."

It's not the fall, it's the sudden stop

Operator: "Okay, sounds like the connection is fine. What's the email address that you're --"

Customer: "I have to go now. I have to make some coffee."


Someone been cutting your stash with decaf?
Cause and effect

Customer: "Hi, I hope you can help me. I've just signed up for your DSL service and I'm having some trouble configuring my router."

Operator: "What step in the setup guide have you reached?"

Customer: "I never read those. I don't believe in them."

Operator: "Okay, what stage in the setup process did you get to?"

Customer: "Search me. I don't know what I'm doing."

X marks the spot

Customer: "There's a problem with our leased line, we're getting packet loss. I think there may be a fault on the line."

Operator: "What's your street address there?"

Customer: "Uh... just a second."

[long pause]

Operator: "Hello?"

Customer: "I'm still here. I'm just looking in the phone book."


Want to meet the man whose problem this is? Look in the mirror.
Mistaken identity

Customer: "Hello, my name is [customer]. I'm with [Small Local ISP], they get their bandwidth through you."

Operator: "Uh-huh."

Customer: "I can't seem to get email through to my sister in England. I get this error message back --"

Operator: "Sorry Mr [customer], you said you were using SLI internet?"

Customer: "That's right. My email --"

Operator: "If you're not directly a customer of ours, I'm afraid you'd need to speak to SLI for some assistance with an email problem."

Customer: "But I don't know their number."

Forest for the trees

Operator: "[RIP] faults, [operator] spe--"

Customer: "WHAT?!"

Operator: "This is the [RIP] faults desk, you're speaking with --"



Customer: "You've got no call to treat me like that."

C-, must try harder

Customer: "I'm having trouble with my calling card. Can you tell me how to use it?"

Operator: "The instructions should be on the card."

Customer: "There's nothing."

Operator: "No instructions? Are you sure it's one of our cards?"

Customer: "Well, there's instructions, but it's not working."

Operator: "Okay, what message do you hear when you dial the card number?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Hello?"

Customer: "The number's on the back and the PIN number's on the front and it's too hard. Can't you just put me through?"

The only contact I should be having with these people is when they ask me if I want fries with that.
Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

21/06/03 19:22 chrisk ticket_open

* anne calling / Win2000 / conexant hcf 56k

* cannot connect - doesn't know error message - can't describe the problem!
* caller is concerned because sometimes when we cancel her account for non-payment there's a delay before reactivation - apparently caller has been termed for np so often she's made a routine out of it??? checked records - advised account is active
* advised to connect via dun, note down full error message and number / closed pending customer input

21/06/03 19:24 chrisk update

* anne calling

* caller noted down error message: something somthing disconnected
* advised caller to do it again and this time note down the full error message - full meaning ALL of it
* advised caller again that account is active / closed pending customer input

21/06/03 19:41 chrisk update

* anne calling

* has anne got a secret password that connects her directly to me, or am i the only one working tonight?

* caller finally noted down connection error as advised earlier - dial up networking connection / status: disconnected / what's this? - click here to learn how to go online to the internet
* gave caller a quick lesson in double-clicking and advised to START THE CONNECTION AND GET THE ERROR MESSAGE
* caller doesn't want to try again - she's certain she followed my instructions exactly and that the computer told her it's not able to connect - WITHOUT giving any error message or number
* tried reproducing same situation on win2k pc at test station - can't be done. i also note that the procedure for connecting on win2k is significantly different from the one the caller claims to have followed - caller's boyfriend is usually the one to handle pc problems, advised to have him call us

* and yes, advised caller AGAIN that the account is active / closed pending customer input

Fat fingers

Operator: "To test the connection, you'll need to type 'ping - space - two zero three - dot two nine six' --"

Customer: "Hold on -- I've pressed the enter key. I'll have to start again."

Operator: "That's 'ping, space, two zero three' --"

Customer: "Damn! I pressed enter again. What do I type?"

Operator: "'Ping space two zero three dot two nine' --"

Customer: "I've done it again."

Operator: "Okay... I think you'll need to use the number keys at the top of the keyboard instead of at the right."

Customer: "Alright, I'll do it that way. What do I need to type?"

Operator: "'Ping, space, two zero' --"

Customer: "Hang on, hang on -- now I've pressed the space bar..."

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

* caller's mobile phone is too quiet - needs assistance to increase volume

* advised caller we support network and hardware issues, not user config - RTFM

* caller doesn't have a manual

* offered to send him one for replacement cost

* caller has magically rediscovered his manual but complains that it's too thick to look through

* advised caller the manual has an index

* caller advises that he considers a phone which doesn't work the way he wants to be faulty

* caller also advises that he is a huge client who spends thousands of dollars with our company

* caller reminds us that the customer is always right

* requested that caller hold while i try to find support information for his phone - reached a score of 120 on solitaire before he hung up / NFA


So, you say you're a rocket scientist...
None so blind

Customer: "I heard the recorded message on your help line saying there's a outage which has affected all pay-per-view customers in my area. I haven't been able to get any pay-per-view channels, but the free to air channels are okay. Is that outage affecting me?"
Feature creep

Customer: "That technician you sent around last week... you'll have to send him back again. Ever since he fixed my phone, the pool filter stopped working."

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

25/06/01 14:02 chrisk ticket_open

* david calling / win98 / lucent winmodem 56k

* caller has cancer and permanent injuries from fighting germans in ww2. oh, and ndt [No Dialtone] issue too. advised to remove 6 meter extension cord and double adaptor from phone jack, modem straight to wall. / closed pending customer input

25/06/01 14:50 ericb update

* david calling

* caller still has cancer and war wounds. still has ndt, too. advised to remove ext cord/adaptor, cord straight to wall / closed pending customer input

26/06/01 11:14 johnt update

* david calling

* caller's cancer isn't getting any better. connecting ok but wants to know how calls will come in while he's on the internet if he's not using a double adaptor??? advised they couldn't do that while he WAS using double adaptor - caller wishes to complain, transfered to main desk / closed pending customer input

28/06/01 10:28 chrisk update

* guess who

* caller's wife is currently in surgery, i think she must have caught cancer from him. he's had surgery too, you know - something to do with the war... caller has restored ext cord and double adaptor so he can receive phone calls while surfing the internet - this has been discussed already so i left that can of worms unopened. caller not currently experiencing any difficulty, but wants to know when we're going to make the service faster.

* in other news, there's a bottle of tequila by my bed that misses me and wants to know when i'm coming home. / NFA

30/06/01 12:08 jamesd update

* caller has a bad case of germans, wants to take wife a dialtone in hospital, needs a faster war injury right now cancer cancer I KNOW NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE BUT NEITHER DOES HE!!!

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

* richard (pc technician contracted by customer) calling for update on connection issue logged under reference ###### - concerned at time this is taking to resolve - has committed to returning customer's pc by end of day

* advised caller of standard sla [Service Level Agreement] for residential customers

* advised caller that slas are standard for isps and recommending another provider to customer will not ensure quicker service

* advised caller our hr department ensures that all staff are more than adequately trained for support role

* didn't advise caller that he wouldn't need us if he was as hot as he thinks he is

* didn't advise caller that it's hard to get excited about doing his job for him when he's going to claim the credit and blame us anyway

* didn't wish caller a pleasant evening / NFA

There are a lot of hardworking, conscientious PC techs out there... and a few who know only one thing the customer doesn't: how to call the helpdesk.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Customer: "I can't find any phone icon. It's not there."

Operator: "Okay, could you open the 'system' icon and tell me what version of Windows it has there?"

Customer: "Windows Millenium."

Operator: "Right, there's the problem. In Windows ME, the settings we need are under the modems icon."

Customer: "Well, it was Windows 2000 this morning. [long pause for thought] The problem must have changed it."

Unrealistic expectations

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

* win98 / conexant hcf 56k datafax modem

* connection dropping while popping mailserver - set max speed to 57600, switched to software flow control, added init string AT&F&C1&D2s10=200+MS=v90,1 - connecting okay now

* advised customer of alt dial-in # for 04 area

* advised customer of mailbox space limit

* advised customer that no, i'm not interested in an amway distributorship, but if i ever change my mind she'll be the first one i call / resolved


"Hi Dave, can you put me through to Dave? Dave sent me."
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "[RIP] faults, [operator] speaking."

Customer: "Hi. I'm having some trouble and I need to get some assistance for it. Can you transfer me to the faults section?"

Operator: "You've reached the faults centre."

Customer: "Not yours, [rival telco]'s."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Operator: "Faults desk, Operator speaking."

Customer: "Hello? It's Joe Bloggs here."

Operator: [Sigh] "Hi, Joe. I'll bring up the IDtenT Cafe account."

Customer: "Have we spoken before?"

Operator: "Yeah, we talked yesterday and twice on Monday."

Customer: "My ping times are high again. I think there's something wrong with my connection."

Operator: "There's nothing wrong with your connection, Joe. You've just got too many people using it."

Customer: "But it's a high speed connection!"

Operator: "That doesn't mean unlimited bandwidth, Joe. When there's thirty customers downloading, they have to share that one channel."

Customer: "But it's slow even when there are only a few customers."

Operator: "That could be related to your policy of allowing people off the street to install file-sharing apps on your PCs and continue downloading after they've gone home."

Customer: "It's the school kids that do that. I rely on them for half my business."

Operator: "I'd like to help you Joe, but I can't change the laws of physics to make your business model work."

Customer: "I talked with my account manager. She doesn't think it's over use."

Operator: "Well, if she has evidence that there's some other factor involved, she's chosen not to share it with me."

Customer: "I really think there's something wrong. Can you check the connection?"

Operator: "We've checked it thirty times in the last six months, Joe. Each time the connection has been fine and over-use has been the problem."

Customer: "But there's only a few people here. They can't be using that much bandwidth."

Operator: [Sigh] "Okay, we'll check it again."

If it's inconvenient, it must be wrong. There simply can't be any other explanation.
Not part of the deal

Customer: "I've been trying to get in touch with one of your customers for ages, but I've been getting an engaged tone all morning."

Operator: "Okay, let me just check that line... there doesn't appear to be a fault, it looks like the line is genuinely in use."

Customer: "Yes, I know. Can you call me and let me know when it's free?"

Operator: [long pause] "...I don't think so."


Non-sequitur of the day

Customer: "My mother-in-law just died. Don't you think it's time you did something about all the spam I'm receiving?"


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